


Loving Can Hurt Sometimes

by Ingret



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-19
Updated: 2016-03-19
Packaged: 2018-05-27 17:59:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 21,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6294232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ingret/pseuds/Ingret
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All that Felicity Smoak can remember before the car accident that made her forget the last three years of her life, it was being married and happy with Oliver Queen.<br/>But what happened in those three years that no one dares to tell her?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello people!
> 
> This is my first fanfiction, actually I wrote it in portuguese first and now I'm (trying ) to translate to english.
> 
> I chose a song for every chapter, so It's a good idea you listen to the song while you are reading the chapter.
> 
> I really hope that you enjoy it!
> 
> Song: Photograph by Ed Sheeran
> 
> =D

 

 

> **Loving can hurt**
> 
> **Loving can hurt sometimes**
> 
> **But it's the only thing that I know**
> 
> **And when it gets hard**
> 
> **You know it can get hard sometimes**
> 
> **It is the only thing that makes us feel alive**
> 
> **We keep this love in the photograph**
> 
> **We made these memories for ourselves**
> 
> **Where our eyes are never closing**
> 
> **Hearts were never broken**
> 
> **And time's forever it is frozen still**
> 
> **(Photograph - Ed Sheeran)**

 

P.O.V. Felicity

My head throbbed. Actually it  seems there was a jackhammer trying to pierce my skull. My body was soft like jelly, I could barely move around without pain. My mouth was dry, I felt an enormous thirst. That seemed an epic hangover and the funny thing is that I do not remember having drunk last night.

I could bet that had Oliver’s finger on this story, he probably should have brought that red wine that I love and there ... I sighed. There was nothing better than being married to Oliver Queen.

I groped the bed in search of my husband's rigid body, but I did not find him. I decided to call him, but my voice was hoarse and rough hurting my throat. I opened my eyes ready to face the sand-colored walls of my room and begging for an aspirin, but instead I saw a fluorescent light on the ceiling. I blinked several times to until the images to come into focus. That was definitely not my room. Everything was too white, with light blue accents. That was when I finally understood, I drank so much that I ended up in the hospital!

“I’m glad that you woke up! I'll call Dr. Snow. ” Said the young woman sitting in the chair as she pressed one side of the bed button.

“What happened?” I asked raising my body trying to sit. That's when I felt a sharp stab in the back and immediately returned to lie. Oops, that did not look good!

“Do not apply excessive force! It is better to lie.” The woman that entered the room wearing a white lab coat told me. “My name is Caitlin Snow and I am your neurologist.”

I blinked my eyes trying to take it all. Why do I need a neurologist? I just drank too much! Seeming to understand my confusion, the doctor continued:

“You had a car accident on Friday night, and you are at Starling General Hospital, you fractured two ribs, you injured your right wrist and hit pretty hard with your head. Your car was coming from Central City to Starling City, when flipped over on the road” She explained.

I tried not to panic! Was Oliver hurt too?

“Oh my God! Did someone else get hurt?” I expressed my fear terrified at the possibility of a positive answer.

“No, it didn’t. You were alone.” I sighed with relief as she continued “Unfortunately your belongings were burned in the car when it went into combustion. The rescue team did a great job when they took you out of the car on time.” She said with a half-smile. “Unfortunately we do not have your identification so I need you to tell me who you are and  who I must warn.”  
    
“My name is Felicity Smoak Queen ... This is very strange… I can’t even remember the car accident or the travel from Central City to Starling. ”

“Do not you worry, this is normal in car accidents. ” She said giving me a friendly smile “Our brain tends to block traumatic memories of the day. Now I need to answer some questions while I check you.”

“Of course”

I gave Dr. Snow all the necessary information, name, address, ID, and Oliver’s phone number. He must be going crazy without news about me.

“Now, get some rest.” She said smiling as she closed the door. “Tomorrow one Central City police expert will talk to you.”

“Police?”  I asked worried  “But you said there were no casualties.”

“Do not worry, this is a usual procedure for all accidents.” She said, but I was still worried “Just rest, ok?”

I did not want to sleep, I wanted to be awake when Oliver arrived. I wish I could hug him and feel his delicious scent and it was thinking about him that in a few minutes I succumbed to sleep.

****

When I opened my eyes for the second time, the fluorescent light did not bother me so much. This probably because I had something better to look... Oliver was sitting on the couch across the room with his elbows on his knees and  hands on his face ... I knew he was suffering.

“Honey …” I called him. I wanted to get him out of that trance and also I wanted him to come closer. I needed him to be closer. Will I ever heal me that my addiction to Oliver Queen? It had been since our first meeting in Queen Consolidated I.T. department, he just say my name once and I was already in love.

He was physically different, with shorter hair and unshaven. That scared me. The last thing I remembered was a beardless Oliver and hair a little longer. I made a mental note to ask him how many days I spend at the hospital.

Oliver looked tense. He took faltering steps to me, I saw in his eyes a mixture of worry and fear. His face contorted with grief to see me. Was I that bad? Damn, I should have asked for a mirror before leaving my husband to see me with a face full of bruises and tousled hair! Did I have some gruesome scar?

“Hey...” He approached the bed uncertain. “How are you?” And his voice was enough to get me out of my reverie.

“A little sore, but better to have you here with me.”  I said, sitting up and ignoring the pain. I sought his hand and held it with my hand that was without immobilizer. I immediately felt that sense of comfort and forgot all my pain.

He looked confused and sad. His eyes were analyzing me deeply in search of something I could not define.

That's when I noticed something wrong. Something very wrong.

“Oliver… Where is my wedding ring?” I asked staring at our hands. The golden ring glittered on his ring finger, but my hand was completely empty.

Between his eyebrows had a crease, his lips pursed in a frown. I knew well that face. He was angry at something.

“Felicity ...” He started to say, but he was interrupted by the arrival of another doctor that I did not know with doctor Snow. She was holding in her hands a white folder with my name on the front. There was a crease between her eyebrows. She did not seem very happy.

“Felicity, I need you to answer me something.” She said approaching with that annoying little flashlight in my eyes. It did not look good. She was with that face of Grey's Anatomy doctors when they need to give bad news to the patient. Even she was accompanied by another doctor,  I bet it  was to give her some moral support. My brain was already plotting all the possibilities. It would be a tumor?  Do I have three more months of life? Will they amputate my leg?

Beside me Oliver shook my hand, I felt his tension. But I knew he would be with me whatever happened. For better or for worse, we promised.

“What day is today?” That was a bad taste joke? Right? Here I am ready to receive my death sentence and she asks me it?

“April 23, 25 maybe? I do not know how many days I was here ...”

“What year?” She questioned nonchalantly.

“2012!”  I replied without hesitation.

Oliver was stunned, his eyes probed my face in disbelief. His hands shook mine and he seemed to lose the air for a second.

“Felicity, today is May 18, 2015” Doctor Snow said “I checked the results of the MRI and found a lesion in the temporal lobes, sorry. Apparently you forgot the last three years.”

“Oh God, is there a treatment? I'll remember soon?”

“I'm sorry, this is not an exact science. The memories can come back tomorrow, as you can never come back. You can do some sessions with...”

“I do not believe! You can not ... It's a nightmare!” I was freaking out. Oliver sat on the edge of the bed and he hugged me rocking like a child and kissing the top of my head.

“Hey, calm down, you'll be fine. I am here with you.”

“I do not believe! When I went to bad yesterday I was 26 years old and today I woke up and I am 29!”  I said in a whimper.

That was enough for everyone in the room laugh, including Oliver. He was much lighter now. I saw no reason for relief! I was old! I needed a mirror urgently, not to check my bruises, but my wrinkles!

I lost three years of my life! Three years!! I did not even know who the president of the United States anymore. Or if we were at peace with the Middle East. Or which version of Windows we use in 2015. And the worst I missed a season and a half of Doctor Who, that's not fair!!!

Oliver did not seem a bit worried about my amnesia. He simply said that we would make new memories, better than the others. He said he would make me so happy that I would not even want the old memories back!

****

I will finally have my medical release! After two days I was sick of that red gelatin with water taste. Oliver promised me he would buy me a big belly burger, unfortunately we could not go to the snack bar because I should be in bed resting! For long three weeks! And Oliver took orders medical seriously... Unfortunately.

An expert of the Central City police, Barry Allen was in my room in the morning, he asked me some questions about the car accident and then I explained my case of amnesia. He seemed a little disappointed, but he was so nice that suddenly we were just talking about completely random things until Oliver come and shoo him unceremoniously.

Sara also came to visit me. We talked for hours and I discovered that she and Nyssa finally get married.

“I can’t believe that I missed your wedding!” I said really upset.

“You have not lost it , you were there. You were the maid of honor!”

When Oliver arrived he seemed a little annoyed to find Sara there. I could have sworn I had a tension between them. Oliver did not want Sara to be here. I thought I was imagining things, but I heard a conversation very suspicious of them outside the room.

“Please do it for me Sara. I’m begging you.” Oliver asked.

“I will not do this for you, I will do for the well-being of Felicity.” Sara replied coldly and then she left.

This left me rather upset because apparently my best friend and my husband fought in those three years that I lost.

I saw Oliver turning the knob and I ran to the bed, no way he would get me snooping. I started to move the clothes that the nurse left there, the ones I was wearing on the day of the accident. I do not know why they gave me back this, it's not like I wanted a souvenir.

“I've already signed all the paperwork, you're finally free to go home.” Oliver said smiling and giving me a kiss on the forehead.

I decided to get rid of the doubt that tormented me.

“Is it everything good between you and Sara? I felt a tension between you two.”  I said nonchalantly while I folded the clothes.

“What? We’re fine. We're just worried about you.”

I looked into his eyes. Why was he lying to me? I sighed returning to work double my jeans. That's when from the pocket fell a photo, and for more that I was upset with the lie I could not hold the smile. It was a picture of me with Oliver on our wedding day.

“I love this picture” I said showing it to Oliver. “I should know that it would be with me at the accident, I usually take it everywhere I go. So I miss you less.

His eyes gleamed thrilled for me and a huge smile lit up his face.

“I love you so much it hurts.”  He said in a voice choked feeling.

I did not want his love for me hurt, I just wanted to make him happy. But before I could say that, he pulled me gently around the waist with one hand, while with the other he outlined the outline of my lips. My whole body tingled with the touch. Our breaths mingled and suddenly his lips met mine and his tongue demanded passage. That slow and torturous kiss was driving me crazy. It’s make me want more and more. But too soon Oliver stopped the kiss.

We both smiled at each other.

I felt a connection with Oliver that I never felt before. It was love, desire, passion, complicity. The perfect relationship.

Sooner or later I would find out what was happening to him and Sarah. But at that time I had two certainties: 1) Oliver Queen loves me. And 2) I loved him too. And that was enough.

“Let's go home.” I said taking his hand and walking to the exit.


	2. Nigthmare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, =D
> 
> Thank you for all support on the first chapter!

 

 

> **Every night I rest in my bed**
> 
> **With hopes that maybe**
> 
> **I'll get a chance to see you**
> 
> **When I close my eyes**
> 
> **I'm going out of my head**
> 
> **Lost in a fairytale**
> 
> **Can you hold my hands**
> 
> **And be my guide?**
> 
> **Clouds filled with stars cover your skies**
> 
> **And I hope it rains**
> 
> **You're the perfect lullaby**
> 
> **What kind of dream is this?**
> 
> **(Sweet dreams - Cover Leroy Sanchez)**

 

**FELICITY**

Home did not mean our cozy apartment near of the Glades. But a modern penthouse in the city center. I did not recognize anything there. To be honest I did not like anything there. It was all so monochromatic. And why is there so many stainless steel?

I didn't feel at home. The room was huge and basically consisted by a giant plasma TV, a sofa in “L” in black leather (looked uncomfortable), a small table made of glass in the center and a clear carpet, the windows covered by persian blinds prevented any light to illuminate the place. It was all so artificial, there was no color, and there was no life. Do we really have a dining room? This made no sense we always ate in the living room at the floor! And the kitchen. Oh My Gosh. It was the queen of stainless steel! In appliances, in cabinets, in the countertops, I could barely move myself without see my reflection somewhere. I wondered how I cooked there.

Oliver followed me anxiously meanwhile I analyzed every detail of our apartment. I thought he was expecting that I will remember something. But the place does not make me feel anything. My mind was a complete blank. If it weren't for the frame with pictures of our wedding in the living room sideboard, I’ll probably doubt that one day I actually had lived there. I got to the bedroom, and I saw the same palette of black, gray and white and a huge king size bed in the middle.

“huh...” I said unconsciously, while I analyzed what should be our love’s place.

“Only huh?”  Oliver asked with his anxious eyes.

“Everything is kind of male… Don’t you think? It needs a little color. Where are our old furniture? Are you sure that I agree to leave our old, but adorable apartment and move to this? Voluntarily?” I asked placing both hands on my waist and narrowing his eyes.

He gave a humorless smile, he approached hugging me from behind as he whispered in my ear. My entire body just wake when I feel him so closed to me.

“It is close to Queen Consolidated... And you can change whatever you want.” He said treading kisses in my ear until the base of my neck leaving me completely shivery and making me completely forget how much I had hated this apartment. Oliver was very good at distracting me.

“Oliver ...” I turned to him, staring at his hungry eyes “We can keep the bed, it seems to be warm and tough ...” I said suggestively.

He gave a throaty laugh and he shaved his beard on my face, it scratched a bit, but... Oh. My. Gosh. It was so sexy. I totally should have begged him to let that unshaven. The second kiss was more intense than the first at the hospital. It was hungry and urgent. His hands would not left my body for a second and they insisted under my shirt. Our tongues moved in line as if they were dancing the same dance. Our panting breaths mingled. I needed more contact, more skin to skin. I unbuttoned his shirt and moved my hands all over his abdomen. He took my shirt off and soon we were fully delivered to the moment.

I already knew where I wanted to end it.  I tried to pull him to bed, but Oliver realizes where I wanted to get it and reduced the intensity of the kiss. He pushed me slowly and kindly from his arms. He took his shirt on the floor and put it on, ending all my happiness.

“You need to rest and heal first.” He said reluctantly putting a safe distance between us. My only satisfaction was to realize that he wanted to continue what we started as much as I wanted.

“Three weeks is a very long time.” I complained making a pout.

“It could be worse, it could be three years.” He said, and the bitterness in his voice surprised me. “You should take a shower while I prepare our dinner.” He continued with his voice a little slightest this time. He approached and left a chaste kiss on my forehead.

“I'll take a cold shower, apparently” I said in dismay.

He just smiled leaving me alone in the bedroom. The bath was strange, probably because I didn't know where anything was in that huge bathroom. But the strangest thing was when I opened the side of the closet that Oliver indicated as mine. There were many clothes there, many still with the label, I recognized a few, but the most I didn't even remember having bought. My jewelries were there and my makeup too. But the systematic seems all wrong, I used to divide my clothes by color and there was all a messy.

Unsure of what I should wear, I chose lingerie and I wore an Oliver’s shirt over it. It was comfortable, simple and the best… it had his scent.

The "making dinner" of Oliver Queen meant order food at Big Belly Burger fulfilling the promise he had made to me. Not that I'm complaining I love those super salty fries. We ate in the living room on the floor while we were watching TV.

After dinner, we snuggled on the couch (which I found to be very comfortable), and I try to catch up on some late episodes of my favorite series. Oliver had the trouble to buy all them.

I love Oliver, but he's a complete denial when the subject is TV series, or anything that comes close to the word nerd. So his fun it was to test my concentration on TV while he distracted me with his kisses and caresses ... I wanted to say that I managed to ignore it, that I was strong enough, but I failed miserably.

After five episodes of Doctor Who I was yawning for the tenth time when Oliver gave the ultimatum:

“Okay. That's enough, it’s time to go to bed ... You're almost sleeping here.”

“Honey ... just more one episode.”  I begged doing my traditional pout.

“No” he said concluding that subject. “And do not point to pout. It loses, when your health is a priority. Discussion is closed.”

Oliver just got up and picked me up, like a good caveman, taking me into the room and he placed me gently on the bed covering me with a blanket and all of it. I waited for him to join me in the bed. But he just turned off the light and walked toward the door.

“Hey ... Where are you going?”  I asked him, almost in a panic. Was he leaving me here alone?

“You need to rest and I thought it would be better if I ....”

“What kind of distorted reality would I want to sleep away from your arms?” I interrupted him. Oliver went to bed with a huge smile and he settled down next to me. I rested my head on his chest and he put his arm around my body holding me tight and very close to him. At that moment, it doesn't seem that three years of my life has been erased. It was like a normal day for me.

****

My eyes was burning from crying, and  there was still more tears streamed down my face, my heart was pounding so fast it felt like it was out of my chest, my hands were shaking. I was in my old apartment with Oliver. On our bed a large suitcase, where I put my clothes all tangled without even looking at them.

“Felicity ... Open the door! We need to talk! You need to listen to me before taking any decision.”  I heard Oliver said as he pounded the door.

I crouched at floor, I took a deep breath one, two, three… one hundred times in a vain attempt to calm down and take control of the situation. I needed to go out and face Oliver, accept that it was the end of us.

I wiped my tears and got up from the floor, I unlocked the door and I leave the room pushing my suitcase. Oliver was sitting on the couch he got up immediately, coming towards me. I realized that he had been crying too, his gaze was desolate, and I never saw him so miserable in my life. But I could not falter at that time. Because he was responsible for my suffering, it was him who destroyed our marriage.

“Talk to me, please, Felicity” He pleaded with tearful voice. He put himself between me and the living room door. Mentally I counted to ten before responding him I was trying to quell my anger.

“I don't want to talk to you!” I screamed  “I'm not able to talk to you right now. I just need to go. Let me go Oliver. Please let me go.” I begged him.  
He stepped to the side, out the front door and he lets me go.

“Felicity love ... Wake up!” Oliver rocked me gently trying to wake me up. I was awake but still a little in shock, so it was take me so long to answer him.

“Hi.” It was my eloquent answer.

“Hi ...” He said slowly with your eyes analyzing me. “Now tell me…What happened? You were thrashing, speaking my name, and crying so hard” he said as his hand came towards my face to dry some tears.

“It was just a horrible nightmare.” I unburdened “We had a fight and I was leaving our home with suitcases, and you let me go.” I said emphasizing the last part, when I blame him for the attitudes of Oliver from my dream.

“It was just a nightmare. Everything will be fine. I will not let you go of my life. Never” He said with a look lost. “I promise you.” He concluded sealed that promise with a kiss.

I tried to believe him, but deep inside I had the strange feeling that something really bad will happen.

***

After taking my breakfast, along with my pills for pain, I called Dr. Snow and I explained about my dream. The truth is that I was terrified that this could be a lost memory. She told me to don’t be worried about it, that the memories, if  they returned, it will happen while I was awake and that my nightmare probably it was just a result of stress, and that I should just rest. Seriously? Was the answer to all just rest? But she said that if I wanted I could do an appointment with a therapist. He would guide me better, and he explains me everything. It made me a little calmer, I would mark an appointment as soon as possible.

I received a call from Sara telling me that she and Nyssa are going to come here later, and they’ll bring the wedding photos for me to see. Maybe some memory could return. So this small reunion of friends was asking something special: Pizza and my favorite red wine. Oliver soon cut my happiness saying there is no way I would drink tonight.

When Nyssa and Sara arrived, we all settled in the living room. We expected to get pizza while I saw the pictures in the wedding album. Sara and Nyssa were beautiful brides (yes, the two used dresses). I noticed a pattern in the pictures: The first were just the brides, then with the bridesmaids, me and Nyssa’s sister Talia, family and other guests. It was then that I noticed in an absence.

“I do not see Oliver in any of these photos. Did you go?” I asked staring Oliver, he didn't seem to know what to say.

“Oliver was traveling on business. He couldn't arrive at time.”  Sara answered for him. I accepted the bizarre excuse for now. Whatever happened between the two, it must be serious, because Oliver even went to her wedding. I spent the album photos focusing on faces, most of them I recognized except the relatives of Nyssa, of course. I stopped staring a picture with Sara and her family, father, mother and her old sister Laurel.

“Where is Laurel?” I questioned. We were not best friends, but we were not enemies too. She and Oliver had a relationship in the past, so it was just a matter of marking the territory.

“She is on Japan” Sara said with disinterest. When I was going to ask what Laurel was doing there I was interrupted by the doorbell. Yup, the pizza has arrived! Maybe the food left the things friendlier between Sara and Oliver.

Oliver answered the door and received our pizza, put it on the living room table.

“Sara can you help me bring wine and some glasses?” Oliver asked her politely. And Sara followed him toward the kitchen.

Then I had the idea.

“ I'll be back soon Nyssa, I have to go to the bathroom.”

She just nodded. I pretended to go to the bathroom, I took that Nyssa was distracted with the wedding photos and I turned toward the kitchen as quietly as I could. I stopped at the entrance and I stood there poking around Oliver's conversation with Sara. I was creating a bad habit. But in my defense, no one tells me anything.

“It’s here” said Sara, at the same time and I heard what sounded like a key clink “ I took everything it was more essential there.”

“Thank you. What about her job?” Oliver asked.

“Well that was weird, she had then fired I didn't have much to do there.”

“Thanks again, Sara.” I heard the sincerity in his voice.

“Again… I didn't do this for you.” She said coldly. I ran to the living room when I realized that the conversation was over and they are coming back, I got there a little breathless. Soon after Oliver and Sara returned with the red wine, and juice for me of course. We ate pizza and talked about banalities, Nyssa and Sara were willing to adopt a baby. They spoke of second honeymoon they are planning...

And suddenly I was comparing my life with Sara and Nyssa, they were together for less time that Oliver and I, and their lives had advanced. While our marriage was just the same as before, nothing happened, except our move to this apartment that I hate.  
And there was that strange conversation between Oliver and Sarah who was hanging around in my mind, making me a bad company for the rest of the night. As soon as Nyssa and Sara left, we went to bed. Oliver asked me several times if I was okay, if I needed something. And I said every time: I’m fine, thank you. But he insisted, he seemed to realize that something was wrong with me. So I decided to open the game, at least, part of it.

“Oliver, we have been married for four years. I'm already almost thirty years.” I Said the age in disgust “I imagined my life a little differently.”

“Different like…?” He asked a little unsure.

“Children, a home without so much stainless steel to start” I let out the truth. Oliver opened a huge smile. He turned his body over mine, supporting his weight on his arms and kissing me softly.

“So that's what is bothering you. Do not worry about that, baby. We have how many children you want. We moved to a house in the well rustic field. I’ll do anything to make you happy.”

Oliver was serious. And there was a different gleam in his eyes, which seemed hope, perhaps.

I fell asleep thinking of the prospects of my future with Oliver. I should have good dreams, but instead of it, I was haunted by the same nightmare from last night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... What do you think?
> 
> Again... I know that my english is not so good, but I'll be really glad if you tell me when I make a mistake.


	3. All of me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I’m ashamed.  
> I’m so sorry! I shouldn’t do you wait so much for this chapter. It has been very difficult to me translate my fanfiction by myself! But I am trying my best, ok? Don’t give up on me! I promise you, from know I’ll post a new chapter once a week.

 

**‘Cause all of me**

**Loves all of you**

**Love your curves and all your edges**

**All your perfect imperfections**

**Give your all to me**

**I’ll give my all to you**

**You’re my end and my beginning**

**Even when I lose I’m winning**

**‘Cause I give you all, all of me**

**And you give me all, all of you.**

**(All of me - Jonh legend)**

 

 (FELICITY)

Next week was just perfect. Oliver was really devoted in his promise to make new memories. He had taken a few days off at Queen Consolidated and he gave the responsibility to the Vice President. I said to him that it wasn’t necessary, that I was fine. But he insisted, and honestly I do not know if I can say no to Oliver Queen.

We take this time to go to the amusement park (but Oliver did not let me ride in the bumper cars, I think he was traumatized by my accident). We were also to the cinema, we ate popcorn and we watched a romance movie. It was just a typical of valentines’ dates.

I was still suspicious with the strange conversation between Oliver and Sara, and as much as I asked him, he always changed the subject or claimed to be all right between two of them. Unfortunately Sara was traveling to work, and although she called me every day wondering if I was okay (seriously she called me every single day, it is kind of annoying!) I did not want to talk about it with her by phone.

The nightmares continued with the same frequency, every night, without fail. I always woke up in tears, the only benefit was to wake up next to Oliver, and so I realized quickly how absurd the bad dream was.

Oliver tried to hide it, but I saw in his face, the look of fear that he threw me every morning after the bad dream. He hugged me tight to his chest and he said that "everything will be fine" "I'll always be here" "I love you" and he gave me lots of kisses. Every time he did that I felt he was trying to calm himself more than me.

So I decided it was time for me to consult with the analyst that Dr. Snow indicated me. Someone calls Doctor Loco (Yes, this is his last name), to put an end in this nightmare it was trying steal my happiness.

“So... Felicity Smoak Queen.” He said looking at clipboard with my name. “I saw here in your medical history that you had a car accident, and you had a retrograde amnesia.”

“Exactly. I cannot remember anything of the last three years.”

“Good, good, good ...” He said with his eyes on my record’s file.

That made me angry. How could it be good? Hello! I forgot the last three years of my life. Three years do not come back. PUFF, they had gone, they just disappeared as a Harry Potter’s spells.

He seemed to notice my face, then he continued:

“That's good, because the loss of memories superior to six months suggest an emotional trauma.”

“But I can not remember anything that I would like to forget. Oh! I got it.” I said taking one hand to my head. The doctor laughed at my inflection. And I grimaced, I was enjoying less and less of that conversation.

“Did you say that you have had a recurring dream? “ He asked.

“Yes I did, it’s more like a nightmare.”

“Could it be a stretch of some memory?"

I froze. Dr. Snow assured me, they were just nightmares, stress results. But it was before it happened again. And again. And again.

Dr. Loco asked me the question that I’ve refused to face. Could they be real? No doubt they could be, I mean there were no elephants dancing macarena or anything unreal like that. But I did not want to believe they could be real. Because all the time we have been together, our greatest fight was because the last piece of pizza, and in the end Oliver always let me win. So it does not make any sense.

“My husband told me that it is impossible, the events of my dream never happened.”  I opted for the safe answer. “He would not lie to me about it.”

Dr. Loco joined eyebrows while he analyzed me. And he continued:

“Is there something annoying you at the moment? Something that could may have triggered the nightmare?” He questioned.

“Well, there's the fact that my best friend and my husband didn’t talk with each other, and they are lying to me about it.

“And how do you feel about it?” Really? A typical analyst phrase. Freud would be proud of Dr. Loco.

“Hurt. First, because obviously they fought, and second because they pretend that it's all right in front of me, but I've heard several secret talks between the two of them and it is clear that they are not well. And besides, my husband Oliver was even present at her wedding day…” I chatted. Unburden it was good.

“Do you have the habit of snooping people’s conversation?” He asked with a straight face.

I say that everybody lies to me and how much it hurts me, and the only thing he pays attention is the fact that I’m listening to other people's conversation. I decided to reverse the game:

“What is it relation with my nightmares? How does it help me recover my memory or to put an end in the bad dream?

A little clock on his desk beeped.

“Time is over, we continue at the next session.” He said smiling.

I was very angry with that pretentious analyst, he gave me no answer and he even suggested that I was poking around an eavesdropper (which to be honest, it was true). I left his office very angry, I came across Oliver waiting for me, he was very anxious.

“So… how was it?” He asked curious.

“Useless” I answered “Dr. Loco is really crazy.”

Oliver laughed looking relieved.

“I’m sure, it was not that bad.”

“He suggested that my loss memory can be emotional. He said that I may suffer such an emotional trauma in the past that I decided to forget everything.”

Oliver was uncomfortable. He seemed to want to say something, but he did not know exactly how to say it. Then out of nowhere his expression was naughty.

“We should go home, there is something there that could may improve your mood.”

Oliver insisted on close my eyes as he opened the apartment’s door. Not that it made much difference, the minute I set foot in the house I felt the aroma of Italian food and my stomach was already happy.

When Oliver pulled his hand over my eyes I was blown away, the entire house was filled with white roses and candles, soft music played in the background and the dining room table was set for two. I recognized immediately, everything was exactly the way when Oliver had asked me to marry him years ago.

“What is all this, Oliver?”

“I can’t believe you forgot!” He looked at me doing an offended face.

And then the realization came to me, white roses, Italian food, soft music...

“Shit.” I cursed. “In my defense, I forgot a lot of things!”  I justified myself.

“There is no excuse for you forget our anniversary of four years of marriage.”

“I’m so sorry.” I said ashamed.

“You can make up later.”  Oliver gave me a smile.

“I will.” I said smiling back to him.

Dinner by candlelight was perfect, the food was divine. We talked about lots of things, we remember our first date, our first time, our honeymoon. We were at dessert when Oliver pulled a red velvet box from his pocket and he slid it across the table toward me.

“Oliver, I did not buy anything to you ...” I said.

“I know. So I also did not buy anything.” He said staring at me with a clear expectation in the eyes.

I opened the box and...

“Oliver...” Inside a golden ring glittered, not just any golden ring, but my wedding ring.  “I thought that it was lost in the car accident.”  I stared dumbfounded.

“Felicity Smoak Queen,” Oliver said going around the table and he put himself on his knees in front of me. He pulled out of the box my wedding ring.  “From the first time I saw you, you were biting a red pen, I knew I had found the woman of my life. All the time we were together, I was a better man, a happy man. You appeared and you filled a space that I never suspected it was empty, I did not even know it existed. Your love changed me. And that's why, to I do not came back to that empty and cold man that I was one day, I have to ask you: Do you want to stay married to me for the next hundred years? And if the answer is yes I promise always to love you, no matter what.

I had tears in my eyes. He made the same speech when he asked me to marry him in the past. The same way. Every promise. Every word. I was delighted that he still remembered.

If anything had changed since the accident, it was my love for Oliver Queen. I was even more passionate than I was three years ago. So I say yes! Again! I’ll always say yes to him!

“How did you get it back? I thought I had lost in the accident.” I said excitedly, as he put the ring back on my finger.

“Doesn’t matter, the important thing is that it is back in the place it belongs to.” He told me, with love overflowing eyes.

I felt so many emotions at the same time, I did not know what to say, so I stopped trying to verbalize my feelings. And I proceeded to live them.

I got up from the chair throwing me in his arms. It was a salty kiss because happy tears would not stop streaming down my face. We were completely delivered to the moment. My body ached for his, our lips didn’t accept be separated by a second. It was nerve-racking how much I needed Oliver, every little touch seemed to burn, every caress left me in the clouds. I'm not sure when our clothes had gone, but I remember accuracy Oliver picked me up and put me on the bed. And then… Then everything was right again.

****

For the first time I did not have that horrible dream. If sex with Oliver was the remedy for that, I accepted the treatment with pleasure!

I could not stop smiling and remembering last night. The touches, the vows of love. Every cellule in my body felt alive, as if I had awakened from a long sleep. I was ready, restored, lively and happy, mostly l was happy.

Oliver was still sleeping quietly next to me, he had a slight, satisfied face. I get out of bed carefully trying not to wake him, I grabbed his shirt from the floor and I wear it. I went to the kitchen and I started to make coffee when I heard the sound of a cell phone. It was Oliver’s cell phone, it was on the bench, I ran up to him and I read the message that flashed on the display:

"I found something that can help you.

I think you may be right after all.

We need to talk as soon as I get back to Starling City.

Sara. "

It was getting hard to keep up. One time they do not even speak, another they exchanged text messages. I was determined to tweak the phone, and I would have done if he had not begun to ring in my hand and Oliver had not come to the door.

Oliver came towards me and gave me a kiss on the forehead, he wish me good day, he took the phone from my hand and he left the room to answer it. When he returned he seemed a little upset.

“They need me at the company, today it the annual shareholders meeting. I'm sorry, I wanted to spend all day with you!”  He said hugging me. “But Walter said it is essential to me be there, and the vice president.”

“So… Will Isabel Rochev be there?” I asked as nonchalantly. I hated her and her model legs always creeping up on Oliver.

“No. She won’t “. He said picking up the cup of coffee that I gave him . “She's not vice president anymore. We discovered she was diverting company money, she was fired and arrested. After that, Walter Steel took her place as vice president. He's dating my mother.

I pretended to drink my coffee, trying not to express my thoughts. Walter was a good person a pity he was dating Oliver’s mother. Moira Queen was a person as sweet as a lemon. I knew it on the first time Oliver introduced me to her as his girlfriend and after that she tried to pay me to break up with him, two million dollars. The proposal has risen to ten million dollars when he asked me to marry him.

“Wait… is Isabel Rochev on jail? And you just tell me it now!? We should drink to that.” I said raising my cup of coffee and toasting with Oliver’s cup.

“I hate leaving you here alone.”

“Maybe I could go with you. Not for the meeting of course, just go to the company. I promise to be quiet until the meeting is over. And from there we can have lunch outside.” I said pouting.

****

At the end, with my pout I was able to convince Oliver to take me to the company, this joined with the fact that he did not want to leave me alone at home. I was waiting for him to return from the Walter’s room when a woman with short blond hair pulled up in front of me. Moira Queen, my nothing adorable mother in law.

“Felicity, my dear! What do you doing here? Oliver did not tell me that you had returned.” She said and the tone of surprise was palpable.

What kind of strange sentence was that? As we travelled and returned now, or at some point we were apart... And now we come back again? She meant returning from the hospital, right? It has to be that.

Just when I would respond to her, I saw Oliver out of the elevator with a terrified face. And a few seconds later he was already on my side.

“Mother? “ He asked sound worried.

“I did not know you and Felicity ...” She tried to say, but was abruptly interrupted by Oliver.

“Did you came to the meeting of shareholders?” He asked.

The eyebrows of Miss Queen joined in clear perception that something wrong was going on.

“Yes, I did.” She said slowly.

“Great, I have some papers that you need to sign before it. Let's go to my office.” He said taking his mother to his room. And away from me.

I think the analyst was right when he said that I like to snoop around people. It was a pity that Oliver’s room be made by glass walls, so I could not just listening behind the door. I also was not good at lip reading so I had to settle in and just understand gestures. So I can say whatever Oliver was talking to his mother, I guarantee, she did not like it.

The meeting with the shareholder seemed it would take, so I was in Oliver's room searching on google "Retrospective 2014," I needed to upgrade and distract me too.

I almost fell off my chair when scare Laurel entered the room without knocking.

“Ollie I...” She stopped to notice that I was there and not Ollie.

“Oh “she said.  “Felicity! It is a surprise to find you here.”

“I thought you were in Japan.”  I said, and I forgot to be polite.

“Japan? Of course not.” She seemed to ponder what to say. “I really need to talk to Oliver. Do you know if it will take a long time?”

“It is the annual meeting of shareholders, so I think yes, it will take a long time.” I said dryly.

“I understand... I have to travel today and I really need to talk to him. Explain some things. Can you please pass him my new number?”

“Of course I can” I said, and I picked up the paper.

She thanked me and before she leaves the room she said to me:

“Look, I just hope that everything that happened between us in the past, stay in the past. I am very sorry that things have ended the way it ended.”

I smiled, I had no idea what she was talking about, my body was shaking with anger. I felt better when I tore the paper with her number in thousands of pieces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... Was the chapter good?  
> Do you like it? Let me know what you think of it!


	4. There's no life after you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I'm back with a surprise =D
> 
> I remember that I made a trailer for this fanfiction sometime ago, it's not perfect and unfortunatelly is on portuguese, but if you want to see... https://youtu.be/pYTI5I_wjLY
> 
> I hope you like it, the trailer and the chapter!

**All that I'm after is a life full of laughter**

**As long as I'm laughing with you**

**I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after**

**After the life we've been through**

**'Cause I know there's no life after you**

**(life after you - Daughtry)**

 

**FELICITY SMOAK**

 

I really wanted to ask Oliver what Laurel was doing at Queen Consolidated. Why did she come into his office without knocking, and she called him "Ollie"? But I could not do this without assuming that she had been here at Queen Consolidated. And definitely, I would not tell him that!

What did she want say by "everything that happened between us" and "very sorry that things have ended the way it ended"? It suggested that she and I had some disagreement in the past. I had to think of a way to broach the subject with Sara later.

I was so caught up in my thoughts that I did not even notice when Oliver walked into the room.

“Finally free!” He smiled, he came to me and pulled me to his arms. “Now I'm all yours.” He paused  “at least until 8 pm.” He said with a guilty in his voice.

I arched my eyebrows, it did not look good.

“My mother invited us to dinner at the mansion tonight.”  He said apologetically.

I sighed. Dinners at Queen Mansion meant very chic clothes and very rich people I've never met before. In my first one of those dinners I managed to break one of those old jars, I knocked over a waiter and his tray of glass and even I poured a glass of red wine in the dress of my mother in law.

Oliver seemed to notice my displeasure because soon he explained:

“Relax baby. It will be only the family this time.” He said trying to convince me with lots of little kisses. “And I will ask to anyone come near you with a glass of wine.”

I took a bite on his lip when he said it.

“Okay.”  I said, I wasn’t much happier with this, but… What else can I do?

We left the Q.C. and we had lunch at a restaurant near there, Oliver wanted enjoying our free time walking through the park and eating an ice cream. But I vetoed the idea, not that I did not want to spend time with him, but I wanted to start dressing up soon, dinner at Queen's house even if only with family, it was always intimidating.

I took a shower, dried my hair leaving them free and make up myself. I did not know what to wear, so I was changing dresses every minute. As Oliver was already ready he was just lying in bed watching me while I proved lots of dresses.

I could not choose between two dresses, one was blue and the other was red. I held each of them in one hand and I questioned Oliver about what was the best choice.

His eyes instead of looking at the dresses, they admired my body with lust.

“In fact, I think the way you look now is perfect.”  He said hoarsely.

His eyes were pure desire, and unconsciously I felt hot and my cheeks flushed. Oliver had seen me a countless times without clothes, but still every time he threw me this look was impossible for me not to feel a little embarrassed at the same time satisfied.

He smiled to see the effect he causes on me, and he broke the distance between us he pulled me to bed with him.

“Oliver! Stop!”  I rebuked him “We're going to be late!”

But then he kissed me. And it was enough. And we really delayed.

***

We arrived at intimidating Queen’s Mansion. Everything was huge, sumptuous and expensive. I was sure a carpet that house was worth more than my salary. Who do I want to cheat? No doubt the carpet was worth more than two years of my wages.

Surprisingly dinner was pleasant. I was introduced to Thea’s boyfriend, Roy, he looked like a good guy and it was the first time I saw Thea really in love. Moira was friendly with me at first. So much friendly, it was strange, but I think maybe after four years, maybe she finally accepted my marriage with her son. Or maybe because my amnesia she was just being polite. I bet on the second option.

Thea was very curious about my amnesia and every time she asked me something I saw Oliver throw her a glare. Speaking of Oliver, he was tenser than me! He didn’t leave me even for a minute and he was playing with my hand under the table.

“Thea, how long are you and Roy together?” I asked her trying to make the conversation a little more interesting.

“We are together for almost two years.” The two answered at the same time and they smiled to each other. It was cute.

“Wait… Did I already know Roy?” I asked her, something was strange because Roy acted like it was the first time we met.

“Well, actually we...” Roy started to answer me when he let out a "Owww”

“Of course you already know Roy!” Thea answered by Roy and he just nodded.

“Felicity” Moira said addressing me, and change the subject “What will you do when your health improve?”

“In fact I already feel much better. I think I can go back to work soon. I imagined that the QC I.T.’s department is a mess without me.” I said.

Oliver shot me a look that seemed to say "You just go back to work over my dead body." I look at that and I ignored completely. I was not a woman to stay at home while my husband goes out to work.

“That would be good. Maybe you can take Oliver with you, because in recent weeks he has ignored his duty as CEO.”  She said looking straight at Oliver, who fidgeted uncomfortably on the chair next to me.

I quickly realized what she meant to say, she was blamed me for the absence of Oliver in the company.

Thea realizing the tension and immediately she changed the subject.

“So Felicity… What did you and Oliver have been on the apartment? It's been what ... a few weeks? And this is the first time we met since your accident.

I was drinking water when she said it, it was inevitable choke me before so discreet hint of it.

“We are working on her recovery, Speedy.” Oliver answered for me, with a wry smile.

Thea seemed satisfied with the answer immediately because a rare smile came over her face.

The rest of the dinner went smoothly and without incident. That means if you leave the fork fall under the table, and when you try to get it you hit your head on the table and you make a glass of red wine spill on. It doesn’t count as incident, so everything ended well!

Thank God the dinner was over early, we said goodbye to everyone and when we were going, I saw Thea running toward me, and I was caught completely surprise by his loving embrace.

“I missed you. Thank you for making Ollie happy again.” She whispered in my ear.

***

We got home at ten o'clock and I was not even a bit tired. I think the glass of wine I took in dinner (smuggled by Thea, since Oliver did not let me drink anything) it made me more alert.

The first thing I did was take the high-heeled shoes that were killing me. I think Oliver heard my groaning in pain because immediately took me by the arms and carried me to our room putting me on the bed.

“I didn’t tell you how tempting you are in that red dress.” He said looking deep into my eyes and kissing me intently, his hands crept on my dress while I tore the buttons of his shirt with desperation. Things were going fast. But the phone rang and interrupted our time.

“Let’s ring ...” I said between our kisses.

But Oliver took of the pants pocket his phone and he looked at the display.

“I need to answer it, love.” He said softening the kiss, as if that could make my heart slow down too.

And he went out leaving me alone in bed.

When Oliver returned I noticed that expression on his face was serious. I sat up in bed and asked immediately:

“Did something happen?”

“I have to go to QC." He said with a look a bit vague.

Seriously ten o'clock? I was disappointed. I wanted to tell him not to go, I wanted him to stay here with me, but I remembered Moira saying it was my fault Oliver's neglect with the company's family, so I didn’t said nothing.

“I'm sorry, it's urgent. I'll try not to take too much time” He said and gave me a kiss on the forehead.

As soon as Oliver came out I started to wander around the apartment, I don’t want to sleep,  I wanted to be awake when he came back to us ... huh ... finish what we started. I stopped at the door of what should be Oliver's office. It was pretty simple, there was only one desk with a notebook and a bookcase with some books.

I look over the shelves trying to recognize some of my books, I had several of them on a variety of issues, but none of them was there. I felt my heart race when I saw my wedding album, I removed it from there, but in doing some papers fell into it and spread on the floor.

I reached down to pick them up and put it back in place when my eyes focused on that document was.

I felt my heart stop for a second and everything turn around me. I sat on the floor. This could not be real.

My hands were shaking so much and my heart was wildly. I tried to hold back the tears, but they came anyway. I had read it ten times, and I didn’t understand how that document could exist. Well, actually I understand, I just didn’t want to accept that now everything was incredibly clear.

Oliver still took 10 minutes to come back, but these were the ten minutes longer in my life.

I waited for him patiently sitting on the couch, I was trying to keep calm and rational. When the room door opened, I immediately stood up and I stared at Oliver. He probably realized on my expression that things were not ok.

“Oliver Queen, what are these papers?” I asked him angrily.

****

**OLIVER QUEEN**

I was in my office at Queen Consolidated, it was late and probably more than eleven o'clock. But since Felicity left me three years ago, I had lived to work. I tried to fight for her, I tried to explain what really had happened, but she didn’t hear me. Just grabbed his bags and left, leaving me devastated. The look on her face when she said goodbye destroyed me in a way I never imagined it was possible.

I think I loved that girl since the first time I saw her, in I.T. department, she was biting a red pen. There was something innocent in the way she spoke to me in such a mess, but at the same time so fascinating. I found myself going to her office with the most bizarre excuses. I reached the absurd to spill coffee on my laptop so she can fix it, only to see her decentralize in front of me. It did not take long for me to ask her to go in a date. And after that everything was perfect.

It was a beautiful beginner. A wonderful relationship. And a horrible break up.

Shortly after Felicity let me I discovered that she was living in Central City and she was working for the meddlesome Ray Palmer. She was starting again.

I found myself forced to continue life without her. So I became more active at Queen Consolidated, I took over as CEO, like my mother insisted. I even though this work was not for me, but at least I can keep my mind busy. That was my life after Felicity, work, work, work.

Her absence in my life had become an embittered man. Until the night I received the call from the hospital.

I saw Felicity in a hospital bed and it broke me inside. She was so pale, helpless and hurt and I could not do anything to help her. I felt useless. As the doctors told me that she was recovering well and even had wake up once and talked to them, I had to see with my own eyes. I needed to hear her voice, I needed to see her cheeks blush, to make sure that she was fine.

I was sitting on the couch in the corner of the room, I wanted to get closer to her, I wanted hold her hand, touch her golden hair, but I was terrified of her reaction when she saw me there. Will she kick me out? Will she pretend that I don't exist?

But nothing in the world prepared me for the moment she opened her eyes and called me love. It hurt, I heard her say those words, she reminded me that I don’t have her in my life anymore. I approached slowly, hesitantly, I was still worry that any moment she might freak out with my presence there. But no, she acted like she was happy to see me, it made my heart full with a hope that I've  never allowed myself before.

When she began to question me about the ring, I realized that something was wrong. And when Dr. Snow confirmed my suspicions, I was unsure what I should do.

She was Felicity from three years ago, Felicity who loved me, who believed that we were a happy couple. I could not tell the truth. I could not be who hurt her again, I could not tell her that we were no longer together. I could not bear to cause her such pain. I could not be the reason for her suffering again.

I was selfish, I assume it. I saw a chance to show her how much I still loved her and that we could be happy together. And maybe show her my side of the story. I knew this was a bad idea, lying to her was a risk, if tomorrow Felicity woke up and remembered everything she’ll hate me even more.

But that was a risk I would assume. I would do anything for her. For us. For our love.

There was a small part of me, some not very noble, I recognize. That part would like that she never remember. What I wish was be capable to erase that part of our past and live our little fairy tale again.

There was only one problem. Sara. She was not my biggest fan in the world. She cut relations with me when Felicity left me. When I called her and explained about the accident and the amnesia, she immediately appeared at the hospital ready to kill me.

I tried to explain to Sara that we could not just throw the bomb on Felicity and it would be better to count things slowly for her.

Sara was reluctant to accept my idea, but after talking a bit with Felicity she relented. With one condition: if I hurt Felicity, she will kill me slowly and painfully and no one ever will find my body.

I was convinced that I was doing the right thing until the moment Felicity showed me our photo, saying that she carried it to everywhere. That was a habit from old Felicity, but Felicity from now? She hates me. So why did she have a picture of our wedding in her pocket's pants ?

It was then that I realized. She still cared about me. Perhaps even she loves me. Maybe there was a chance. I clung to that thought and everything I did from then, it was because of it.

And it ended up being an endless snowball.

****

Felicity had on her eyes a flame of hatred, I had only seen it once in my life, on the day she left me.

“So Oliver, will you tell me what it means or should I read to you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promisse you, I will update soon! ;)  
> And please, let me know if you saw some mistakes, my english is not that good but I really want to improve it!


	5. I’m Sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I hope you like this new chapter!

 

**Will you listen to my story**

**It'll just be a minute**

**How can I explain**

**Whatever happened here never meant to hurt you**

**How can I cause you so much pain?**

**When I say I'm sorry**

**Will you believe me?**

**Listen to my story**

**Say you won't leave me**

**When I say I'm sorry**

**Can you forgive me?**

**When I say I will always be there**

**Will you believe, will you believe in me?**

**(Sorry - Daughtry)**

 

**FELICITY SMOAK**

“So Oliver, will you tell me what it means or should I read to you?”  I said. I was shaking with anger and my heart was pounding fast. If I were a cartoon I probably would be throwing smoke by my ears.

I looked at Oliver, the color drained from his face, he was pale like a paper. The expression on his face said it all: he was completely terrified.

He was completely in silent so I continued.

“Hereby, Felicity Smoak Queen and Oliver Jonas Queen expressed their intention to give an end on their marriage...”

“Felicity ...” His voice sounded like a supplication and his look was pitiful.

But I ignored him.

“Wait, the best part is coming” I continued to read the document “Because of irreconcilable differences the Divorce ... Divorce? Did you see it? Is it cool, right? We are DIVORCED Oliver! “ I said twitching with anger.

“We are not.” Oliver said safely, he was looking directly at me. His sad eyes almost disarmed me, almost.

“Oliver! Enough lying to me! I get it, that's why this apartment has nothing mine or even looks like I place I’d like to live. That's why I was not wearing my wedding ring on the day of my accident.”

“Felicity! You didn’t understand!” He said while he stepped forward desperate to shorten the distance between us. At the same time I took a step back. I needed to stay at a safe distance from him. Because for more annoyed that I was at that moment, I knew I love Oliver desperately, and I was afraid to not be strong enough to do the right thing.

“Let me explain” he pleaded with that husky voice that gave me chills. But I kept myself firm.

“What do you want explain? We are not married, we don’t live in the same house ... We got divorced! Then I lost my memory and you thought it would be fun we play happy couple again.”  I said too angry and making clear all my displeasure with the situation.

“We are not divorced!”  He practically screamed.

I freaked out with resentment coming from his voice. But I kept the anger burning inside me kept me steady.

“Oh really? So what will be the lie about these documents Oliver? Because I can’t remember what happened, but it's all writing here!”

“Okay. Let's just talk” He said, his voice was calmer “Three years ago we had a disagreement, you had a lot in your head, you were angry with me and you walked away without...

“So the nightmare was real!” I interrupted him.

“Felicity ...” He started to say trying to approach again, and I just shook my head.

“Was it real? Yes or no? ” and my voice was shaky. _Say no!_ I prayed, but I already knew the answer.

“Yes, it was real” he confirmed.

I dropped on the sofa, it disrupted me, I let all the tears finally coming down, I had been hold them for so long that now I can’t stop them anymore. After I found the divorce papers I figured that my nightmare could be real... But I was still not prepared for it. The intensity of the pain I felt in that dream was absurd. I could only support because Oliver was there every morning. But now I felt all back to me again. That same pain increased by the new pain from now.

“I'm so sorry.” His eyes were sincere and filled with tears too, and I wanted to be able to forgive him, but I was too much hurt for do that.

I dried my tears and I adopted a cold attitude.

“Apologies are not going to fix this shit Oliver.” I said and the pain was suffocating my heart.

His expression was like he had been punched in the face.

“I was an idiot. I should not have lied to you about it, but if it can be used as an explanation I did it because I love you! See you lying in a bed of a hospital, you call me love and you are happy for my presence, it filled my heart with hope. I saw love in your eyes when you look at me Felicity! How could I hurt you and simply say that our marriage was over?”

“So you did all this out of pity” I realized sadly.

“No, no, and no!”  he denied desperate “I did it because I was selfish, because I was absurdly happy to have you back in my life I let myself believe that there might be a chance to make you realize that I never stopped loving you.”

 

“Please don’t say you love me because it makes everything so much worse.” I said with tears in my eyes. How could I leave him if he kept saying those words to me?

“But I love you Felicity! This is the only certainty I have in my life.”

I was confused. My mind was a mixture of anger, pain and love. And so I made myself a few questions: 1) Do I love Oliver Queen? Yes, I do. Desperately, more than I can explain. 2) Do I be able to forgive him? I don’t know. Maybe, when the anger pass. Maybe it was good ... Maybe we could start again ... But then I remembered something that was still bothering me. So I asked the question will define all our lives from now.

“If you love me as much as you say… Why did we get a divorce?

Oliver opened and closed his mouth a few times. It took a few minutes until he finally makes a sentence.

“First, we are not divorced.” I looked suspiciously at him, I was not believing that he would insist on it. He noticed my disbelief, then he continued.  “We are not. You left our house, you was hurt, angry, with a deadly hate on me. After a few weeks you send me these” Oliver said, he approached and he took the divorce papers from my hands. “But they were never signed.”

I sighed a little relived when I listened to his words.

“I wanted to meet with you to talk before any decision was taken. I tried several times, but you obstinately refused. So it was in the hands of the lawyers...” His expression acquired a depressed air.

I digest that answer. I was not legally divorced, but we were still separated which in my mind was pretty much the same thing. But what did he do to leave me so hurt that I even accept to see him?

“Oliver, what did you do that made me so angry with you? Why did I want to divorce?”  I expound my concern.  I was certain that whatever he had done, it was too bad.

“I can not say, not now. I can not risk you leave me again.” He said in despair, his eyes searching mines, seeking for understanding.

But I did not understand. How could he do this to me again?

“So you don’t love”. I conclude “If you loved me as much as you say, you wouldn’t leave me in the dark, like this. You didn’t deceive me, making me think I had a happy life with you in the past three years”  I said assuming my angry voice again. “How could you not see that this omission was the same as lying?

“You have no idea how much lucky you are.” Oliver’s voice was bitter. “I wanted to have forgotten the last three years of my life, because they were miserable without you, Felicity.

“So tell me what happened.”

Oliver sighed tiredly.

“I promise you I will explain everything. Please wait a little more Felicity is all I ask.” His eyes had that pleadingly.

“Waiting for what? If all you have to offer me Oliver are more lies. And I'm tired of it!” I said when I realize that the discussion wouldn’t take us to anywhere.

I grabbed my purse that was lying on the couch and I passed him going toward the door, I needed some air, I needed to think and especially I need stay away from Oliver Queen! I think he saw my intention because he quickly posted himself on the front door, blocking my way.

“Get out of my way Queen, I want to leave. Now.” I said with a loud voice.

“Where do you think you're going?” He asked, his voice sounded terrified.

“I will as far as possible from you!” I snapped the words.

Oliver continued to lock the door impassively.

“No, you won’t.” he said approaching me, with the sea of blue eyes looking at me. We stood there staring at us for a while. We were too close, and all the tension did not help.

“It's late Felicity, and you do not have a place to go. I will not let you wander in the night alone.” He was right and I hated it. “Besides, I promised you that I would not let you go of my life again.” he said and I could see a half smile forming.

I walked back toward the bedroom door slamming it with all the strength I had.

***

**OLIVER QUEEN**

It was like a _deja vu_. The fight, Felicity locked into the room. What the fuck did I do? Sara was right, I should have told Felicity everything earlier.

I sat miserable in the hallway leading into the room, I was devastated with the possibility of she leave me again. I would be there all night to make sure she would not run away in the middle of the night.

I could not tell her why we were separated. Not yet. It was too early and I know she won’t believe in my version of the facts and I will lose her again. And I could not take it a second time, now that I remembered how is a life full of Felicity Smoak I wouldn’t be able to live without her anymore.

Just now, I was so close ... Sara had found something that might help to exonerate me. I focused on it, I will dig deep in that story, I will find the evidence that I needed. And maybe she will forgive me. It was with this hopeful thought that I ended up falling asleep on the floor of the hallway.

***

**FELICITY SMOAK**

I didn’t sleep that night. How could I? That bed, that room was filled with our memories. Memories of a life that I thought I shared with Oliver. I was going over our whole fight again and again, trying to interpret between the lines, what might have happened in the past that made me leave Oliver. My conclusion was not encouraging.

The night was long.

When the first shine of sunlight crept timidly through the bedroom window I stood up. The clock on the nightstand marked 5:30 am. I needed to get out.

I opened the door and I saw Oliver sitting on the floor of the hallway. I jumped his legs and I headed toward the living room door as quietly as I could, and I left the apartment.

I walked aimlessly, I needed to think, to clear my mind. Above all I needed to accept that it's over. It was killing me inside, I never imagined that Oliver and I could separate one day.

I walked the streets and I didn’t see people or buildings, it was as if the world around me was in a silent movie all in black and white. As if I did not care about anything else.

Hours passed and I found myself stood at the entrance of our old building. Our old life. I had not realized that my steps brought me to this place. The facade of the build was made of red bricks, there are huge windows and a bit old style. That place had personality. It was not difficult to convince Oliver that would be our apartment even being so close to the Glades. At that time he spared no efforts to make me happy, I remembered sadly.

I went into the build, I was in the mood to revive old memories of a wedding I think was happy, but turn out it had been a total failure. I’m a masochist.

I saw Mr. Arthur, a man already old advanced and very friendly who was the doorman.

“Felicity!” He came at me all excited. “How long! Did you come to check the apartment?”

“ What?” I asked half in a trance.

“The apartment, Mr. Queen always leaves a copy of the key with me. Do you need it?” He asked already taking from his pocket a key which I immediately recognized.

“Of course.” I said, picking up the key and going into the apartment number 7.

I turned the key in the door and pushed it.

Everything was the way I remembered. Our sofa, the same blue curtains, the cushions that Sara had given me. I started walking touching everything, I did not even realize when the tears starts falling. Seeing our place again, and knowing that we didn’t have that life anymore made me even sadder.

And then, when I didn’t expect some memories came back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you are thinking!


	6. You fall away from your past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I'm back with a new chapter!   
> I hope that you like it!

 

**You swear you recall nothing at all**

**That could make you come back down**

**You made up your mind to leave it all behind**

**Now you're forced to fight it out**

**You fall away from your past**

**But it's following you now**

**(Fall Away - The Fray)**

 

 

**Felicity’s flashback**

_It was a Friday, on April 20, 2012 at night. I was driving to Central City where I had a meeting with the CEO of Palmer Technologies in the morning. Oliver didn't want  let me to go, he even got to try to get the board to send another person to that meeting. We discussed because of it, I didn’t want him to intrude in my work, I was already upset with the looks I received from all the other employees because I am married to Oliver and he, one day, will be the CEO of Queen Consolidated._

_Also, I was the only one who could go to that meeting. First, because the idea of reversing the surplus energy from Queen Industries in energy for free to Starling City, it was mine. Second because Palmer Technologies was the only company that had done it before, and third because Ray Palmer demanded my presence._

_I knew the real reason for Oliver's anger was because Ray Palmer was beautiful, intelligent, billionaire, cover of Business Week as the youngest entrepreneur to get billionaire, cover of National Geographic for their sustainable development projects, the cover of Forbes as the most eligible billionaire. Oh ... and of course, he was my ex-boyfriend._

_But that doesn’t change the fact that I didn’t want Oliver intrude in my professional life. And I need him to trust me the same way I trusted him._

_I was already halfway to Central City and I couldn’t wait to get to the hotel. I wanted to have the presentation organized and a good night's sleep before the meeting that will be too early. That's when my phone rang, I stopped at a roadside and answered it. It was the secretary of Palmer canceling the meeting and rescheduling to the next week._

_I was upset of course. But it meant that I could go home and enjoy the weekend with Oliver. I return and sped back home._

_When I got home it was past 2:00 am, Oliver probably was already sleeping and despite our little fight earlier I was sure, he would be happy when I joined him in our bed._

_I opened the door a little tired, but happy to be back. I turned on the light in the room and watched the strange scene that was in front of me._

_In the living room coffee table had two glasses with the rest of a red wine, the bottle on the side of it was practically empty. It has left me angry, that’s all right Oliver receive visits (all right nothing!), but drinking my favorite red wine? It’s definitely not okay!_

_That's when I saw it. A cheap black lace bra that it wasn’t mine, it was on the back of the couch. At that moment I froze, I could not form a coherent thought to explain the situation. My heart was pounding so hard and my legs were wobbly that looked like jelly._

_I took a deep breath trying to calm myself and I went into the room. The door was open and although it was night, the street light through the open window made clear enough the place, so I could see without having to light up the lamp._

_What I saw there left me bewildered. It was like a thousand knives to drill into my heart._

_Because there, on my bed, the body curled up beside my husband was Laurel Lance, the way it came into the world naked and unashamed in the face!_

_I could not move, could not speak, I could not tear my eyes from that grotesque scene. Oliver loved me I knew it! He would not betray me like that, in our house, in our own bed. Was I crazy? It could only be an illusion, a nightmare. That was it, I was dreaming! I pinched, and the pain was real!_

_I turned on the light, and light made the scene even worse. I cried silently now, but I really wanted to scream and force them come out, but there was something stuck in my throat that prevented my voice out._

_Laurel seemed to notice my presence because soon she shifted and opened her eyes and opened her mouth in a theater "Oh" when she saw me there and immediately pulled the sheet up to her neck._

_“Oh my God! Oliver wake up” She said to Oliver, shaking him with her hands._

_Oliver opened his sleepy eyes, but soon became terrified to notice that I was standing in front of him and Laurel was in our bed. He immediately came toward me. Thank God he was dressed!_

_“Felicity ...” His voice was full of fear.  “It's not what you're thinking! Nothing happened between us, I do not know how to Laurel came here.”_

_“I would not call what we did here anything Ollie! I do not believe you will lie on her face.”_

_“Shut up Laurel.” Oliver yelled, and even I got scared with hatred burning in his eyes. I had never seen Oliver so angry._

_“OK. I walk away, you call me when you're settled all with her.”  She said getting up from bed (still naked) and winking at Oliver._

_I wanted to move it and pull that smirk off her face. But I just said:_

_“Don’t forget to take the cheap lingerie over my sofa.”  I managed to say in a cold tone._

_“ Of course, darling!” She said as she left the bedroom door. The sarcasm in her voice took me serious grabbed the first thing I saw in front of me (later I found to be a horrible vase my mother in low had given me as a wedding gift) and threw in her direction!_

_The vase shattered into thousands of piece, but unluckily I messed up!_

_Oliver came in my direction afflicted._

_“Love, you need to stay calm!”  He said looking into my eyes trying to catch my hand. I wriggled away from his touch._

_“Don’t you dare put that your filthy hands on me!” I said, and the anger burned in my chest!_

_“Felicity, you have to believe me! I did nothing, nothing happen! I would never do anything to hurt you.” His voice was urgent and terrified._

_“Do you think I'm blind? She was naked in our bed, her bra on our living room couch and in addition you drank all my wine!” I cried uncontrollably._

_My uncontrolled emotional caught off guard Oliver. I saw him looking into my eyes, trying to convince me. If I had not seen them in bed I would have believed him, simply because he has this look that inspires sincerity. But I had just realized that Oliver Queen was not the man I thought he was. I would not fall that look again._

_“So what was the plan? Would you be cheating on me forever with her, or you were just waiting for the right moment to ask me for divorce?” I asked coldly._

_“There is nothing in this world that makes me to want divorce from you, Felicity!” he said desolate._

_“Wow... So you would be cheating on me forever. Good to know!” I said being sarcastic!_

_“No, love! I never betrayed you with Laurel!” His eyes again probed me, looking for any hope._

_I looked disbelieving face him. It was very expensive stick._

_“Oh really? So what was she doing here naked in our bed?”_

_“I have no idea. She came here just to talk, I do not remember well, she went away and I went to sleep and when I woke up both of you were here.”_

_Really?  Was it the best lie he could invent? Would he play the naive?_

_“Please Felicity, trust in me.” he begged with tears of despair in his eyes. He tried to approach again, but I pulled away._

_I was not touch by his tears, I was not touch with the expression of anguish on his face. Because I had my own pain to care, a pain he caused._

**_End of flashback_ **

**_***_ **

I sat on the living room floor absorbing everything. I was emotionally destroyed after finding out about the separation and the Oliver’s lies, but this memory came just to stare a final dagger in my heart.

So that was what it had happened to my perfect life. That's what Oliver refused to tell me. My husband was cheating on me with his ex-girlfriend in our own home. How could I delude myself to that point? I was so stupid for finding that he loved me, that he was happy with our marriage as I was.

I felt so empty, my life was a lie.

I got up from the ground and dried my tears, not that there were many. I was in a stupor so great that I could not even cry anymore or feel something.

I walked to the exit of the apartment decided to give a direction to my life.

***

**OLIVER QUEEN**

I opened my eyes not believing I could sleep on the hard floor of the hallway. I got feeling my aching body. How long do I blacked out? I freaked out when I saw the time on my watch, it already passed the seven o’clock! I went toward the room willing to talk to Felicity, I would tell her everything! All the shit that Laurel had done with our lives. No secrets anymore.

I turned into the room and immediately I panicked when I saw that the door was open.

I entered the room with a hope that she was still in there sleeping, but no, she wasn’t. I searched the whole house and I didn’t find her, I saw that the room door was unlocked. The car’s key was still in my pocket and her purse thrown on the couch. It concludes that it must have left on foot.

I was despaired. Where had Felicity gone? I thought of looking for her, but I could not leave. And if she came back and I was not here?

I grabbed my phone and decided to call Sara, who immediately answered on the second ring.

“What do you want this early Oliver?” She answered me without much patience.

“Felicity disappeared.” My voice came out in a whisper.

“I'll be there in 10 minutes.” she said hanging up the phone right away.

Sara did not take six minutes to get here, but for me it felt like hours. Hours without knowing where Felicity was, if she was all right, if she would come back, if I had lost her again. I was lost in those thoughts when my Sara has come cursing me:

“What did you do this time your idiot?” She asked.

“She found out the divorce papers.”  I said unwillingly. “She got mad at me for lying about still being together and insisted to know the reason of the separation.

Sara sighed. I imagined "I told you so" coming soon then, but I was wrong and I was surprised with the almost affectionate tone of her.

“Oliver, think about it, now that lie it’s over we can explain your side of the situation and when she understand that it was all a big frame maybe you still have a chance.” Sara said hopefully.

“I did not tell her about Laurel” I talked.

“What? When I think that you can not be more stupid you exceed all expectations.” Sara said indignantly. “You have to tell her, she needs to hear it from you!” She finished sharply.

“I was unable to do it, Sara. I was terrified that she could leave without even listening to me. I wanted to have more evidence to show my side first of all. Do you realize how little we have?

“And just guess genius, she's gone the same way.” Sara said to me.

Sara was right, I should have told Felicity everything. It was exactly what I would do as soon as we find her. I explain everything, as our marriage was over, and pray for Felicity believes in me. That was my only chance.

“Look Oliver, the little that we have was enough to make me change my opinion of you. Maybe it makes Felicity changes her opinion too.” She told me throwing a small encouraging smile.

“You are right. I am a complete idiot.”  I assumed.

“I can’t disagree with this.” I heard the voice of Felicity who was standing at the door.

I felt instantly relieved she was alive, she was fine ... I looked at her, no, she definitely was not any better. That light I always saw on her, it was gone. There was a shadow on her eyes, something that was hard and cold look and when she directed them to me, I just knew: Felicity had remembered.

***

**FELICITY SMOAK**

I was prepared to find Oliver here, but Sara was an additional surprise. I was not happy with her too, because she knew all the time about the separation, about Laurel and Oliver. And still she allowed the Oliver played with my feelings. My best friend also owed me many explanations. But I would demand it from her later.

When I directed my eyes to Oliver I felt him shudder. I saw the sadness take him.

“Felicity” He said coming closer “Let me explain ...”

“Explain what? How do you cheat on me with Laurel? How do you took advantage of my amnesia and made me believe that we were married? I pass it.”  I said walked into the room and shutting the door firmly behind me.

I pulled from closet a small suitcase and I start to put a few pieces of random clothes. I walked around the room saying goodbye to the place. I thought the bedroom so masculine and impersonal when I saw it for the first time, and now could see my little pieces all over the place.

I went to the nightstand beside the bed and pulled my picture of Oliver and I, there was with me on the day of the accident, put it inside my pocket’s pants. I left the room carrying the bag and immediately Oliver came towards me.

“Where are you going?” Oliver asked me with an unhappy and frightened expression.

“To Sara’s house” I said dryly.

Sara did not expect it, I saw the surprise on her face.

“Let me prove to you that it was all a mistake, that I did not betray you with Laurel” Oliver practically begged.

I took a deep breath, I was tired of this issue.

“At the moment Oliver, I do not want to see you, hear your voice or even want that someone pronounce your name next to me.” I said roughly.

Oliver and Sara exchanged a knowing look that irritated me.

“Let's go Sara” I said already pulling the suitcase and heading for the exit.

“Oliver I ...” Sara began.

“No, it's okay Sara. Just take care of her.”

I was leaving, I was certain I was making the right decision but when I looked back and saw Oliver standing like a guy who had just lost the most precious thing in his life, something inside of me just broken. I touched the photograph in my pocket, I thought about how much it hurts to let him, the man that I loved so much, but still I left him.


	7. Chapter 7 - There's so much to be said

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry! I completelly forgot about this fanfiction... But here I am... better late than never, and I promisse you the next uptade will be soon!

> **And when you fall apart**
> 
> **Am I the reason for your endless sorrow?**
> 
> **There's so much to be said**
> 
> **And with a broken heart**
> 
> **Your walls can only go down but so low**
> 
> **Can you hear me when I call your name?**
> 
> **(Call your name - Daughtry)**

**  
**Felicity Smoak****

The way to Sara’s apartment was in a completely silent. She seemed afraid to start a conversation and I, well, I was not yet ready to talk.  The whole situation had drained me emotionally and I just wanted to not have to think about anything of it for a while. So at that moment, the silence was very welcome.

The Sara and Nyssa’s apartment was very clean, but decorated with many exotic objects. Even on the wall behind the sofa were two katanas in X position, and many masks scattered around the house. I was amazed because I knew Sara before she married with Nyssa, and she was always so simple and basic. It was interesting how the personalities of two of them mixed to compose one place. Their place.

I felt that wave of sadness invading me when I remembered that I used to have a place like that, it was made with parts of myself and Oliver. I tried to sweep those thoughts away. I didn’t want to think about these things, at least not yet.

Sara took me to a room in the end of the hall. We were seedlings so far.

“You can stay in this room. There is a bathroom just on front of it.”  She told me indicating a room not very big, but it looked comfortable.

“Thanks.” I thanked her being courteous and forgetting for one second that I was mad at her.

“I thought you were upset at me too.” Sara inspected with hope.

“Of course I'm upset with you too, Sara.” I sighed, I didn’t want to start a discussion right now, mainly when I barely survived the last. “But my options were limited. I could stay with my ex-husband _the liar_ , or with my best friend who also keeping me in the dark, and strangely who has been defend my ex-husband.” I said to her, but my voice didn’t sound as angry as I intended, just tired actually.

“Do you know that you two are still legally married?” Sara inquired.

I glared with my eyes and she immediately took a more serious stance, but I saw her giving an almost smile when she thought I wasn’t looking.

“Okay. We will do this way: you take a shower and relax for a moment,  while I do something to eat and after that we can talk. If you want to talk, of course” Sara suggested.

I agreed, it seemed like a good plan. That was why I decided to stay with Sara, there was no pressure with her. She didn’t force me to speak, and we will not discuss if I won’t.

I took a shower leaving the water just falling on my body, trying to get rid of the tension that exhausting day. I closed my eyes for a moment and enjoying the feel of the water on my body, my mind gradually relaxing...  and suddenly there came a flashback.

I remembered being in a large office, the Palmer Technologies’ logo was dancing on the computer screen, I looked at the door and saw someone coming in and immediately I felt angry to see that person. I tried to focus on the person's face, but nothing came... Everything disappeared with the same speed at which it came.

I opened my eyes and my heart was pounding frantically in my chest, I was almost remember something and then the memory just gone. I figured that after the first memory of that fateful day, the rest of them would come too, but everything was still a big white, except for this meaningless flashback.

I left the shower and I wrapped myself in the towel, I defogged the mirror with my hand and almost didn’t recognize myself. Under my eyes there were thick dark circles, and my hair was all matted. I looked haggard, I guess that's what happens when you discover that your life is a sham.

I went to the room and I wear a simple pajamas. I lay in bed trying to force my mind to remember something about the flash, a face or any misery memory, but I fell asleep.

I woke up when Sara brought me a tray with sandwich and orange juice, I looked out the bedroom window and realized it was already night. I sat on the bed and began to eat the snack that Sara had made for me, I had not realized the hunger that I felt until I start eating. Also, my last meal was dinner at the home of Queens and then came all this mess.

Sara was there with me all the time, making sure that I was eating. When I finished she looked at me with expectantly eyes.

“Are you ready for make some questions?” Sara asked me.

I sighed. There were so many questions that I want to do. But I couldn’t get my brain to organize and focus on something. I wanted to know what really happened in the last three years of my life, where I worked, where I lived, why she had helped Oliver with his lie.  But I decided to start with a simple one.

“What did I do with my life after discovering about the cheat?” I questioned her  “I remember coming to your home and cry a lot, but after that, it's all a great white.”

“Two days after you leave your house, you received a proposal from Ray Palmer to be Palmer Tech’s vice president, and then you moved to Central City in the same week. You never returned, except for my wedding day.

It made sense, considering my little flash earlier. And Wow. Vice president. Not that I doubted of my ability, it was great. But there was something bothering me. Ray was a former boyfriend, although everything has done all right between us, it was strange, unless...

I asked the question hoping that the answer was a certainly not.

“Sara… Do Ray and I have something?” I asked her widening my eyes as unconsciously held my breath waiting for the answer.

She thought for a minute.  Minutes that I was breathless, just waiting for the answer.

“I asked you this once, and you refused. But it seems that he was interested because he always invited you to "business’s dinners" and there was that time when he gave you a diamond necklace.”

Finally let the air out, in relief.

“Diamond necklace?” I asked her. He must be really interested on me, I thought.

“Yeah, but you refused.”  Sara replied.

“Was I happy living there? In Central City?”  That was not what I wanted to ask, but it was what comes out.

Sara just gave me a sad look.

“You lived for work, you didn’t speak if you had any friends there or anything like that. Honestly, you seemed very lonely” She said with a condescending voice.

That wasn’t the answer I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear that my life there was amazing, because then it would be easier to go back and be that Felicity, vice president, who was well and far away from her ex-husband.

“Come on Felicity, stop stalling and question just what you really want to know. “ Sara said looking me in the eyes.

She was right, I was procrastinating.

“Why Sara? Why did you allow him lie to me? I did not expect that from you. You are supposed to be my best friend, and be on my side.” I said hurt, but continued “When my marriage over, I cried on your shoulder. You helped me to pick up all the pieces of my heart. I don’t understand this change.”  The words just came out more like a rant than really a question.

“Felicity... I was desperate when Oliver called and he communicated me about your accident. Then he told me that you had lost your memory, you were thinking that you were happily married. And Oliver wasn’t able to tell you the truth and destroy your happiness once again” I rolled my eyes, I had heard that excuse before. “Then he suggested that we should told you the truth gradually, to allow time for you to adjust the situation. I disagreed vehemently, but after talking with you... You had just stepped out of a car accident and you was delighted.”  She smiled at me “I haven’t seen you so happy since before you and Oliver separated. And I ended up agreeing to this madness. Provisionally.”

I absorbed her words and remembered the conversation I had listened to her with Oliver at the hospital. She had said something like:   _I will not do this for you, I will do this for the welfare of Felicity._

“So… Provisionally?”

“Yes, I kept my eyes on you and I tried to avoid that Oliver exploited the situation.”

I raised my eyebrows, that obviously had not worked. He had taken advantage of the situation! I blushed violently with the thought and then formulated another question:

“Why did you not tell me when you realized that Oliver wasn’t going to do it? And if was the plan to tell me the truth gradually… Why didn’t you tell me the truth gradually?

“ I wanted to do it so much! But then other things came out...

“Other things? What other things?” I asked anxiously.

“First there was the fact that I realized that Oliver was really determined to make you happy”  I give her an impatient look  “I know, I know that's no excuse. But soon after I visited you at the hospital, Oliver asked me to fix your life in Central City. I had to go to your apartment to get some clothes, take your medical certificate at work…. You know, all stuffs”

They really thought about every detail.

“So… you broke into my apartment”

“Technically, it's not your apartment. It is rented. And you left the spare key under the mat. But the point is that when I got there, there was almost nothing yours. Your neighbor told me that you were traveling and you had no time to come back.”  Sara studied my face as she telling me “And when I went to your work I discovered that you had resigned a few hours before the accident!” Her voice was excited.

“…And?” I didn’t see the reason for her animation.

“Felicity, think a little about it... You were going back to Starling City after three years, the car full of baggage, you had just resigned and moreover you carried a photo of your wedding day in your pocket...” Sara said with shining eyes, watching me absorb the meaning of her words.

“It doesn’t prove anything Sara.” I said stubbornly and Sara sighed.

“No, it doesn’t. But it suggests a lot. Something happened that day, something big enough to make you want to throw all away and return to home. You just need to remember what it was.” She said with anxious eyes staring at me.

I understand Sara’s reasons, it was weird if I had a good life there, (please, I was vice president of a multinational!) I wouldn’t not just quite of the dream job if it wasn’t something really important... so important like...

Sara smiled to realize that I had understood.

***

I spent all night thinking about my conversation with Sara. That left me with doubts, but still not enough to discredit what I had seen with my own eyes. Oliver cheated on me, and the image of Oliver and Laurel in our bed was still very fresh in my mind.

So I ignored all my doubts for a while. I needed time to think and calm my heart before do anything. I didn’t talk to Oliver when I was in Sara’s apartment even when my mind didn’t stop thinking of him. Sometimes with angry and sometimes with love.

I had some strangers dreams all nights. Pieces, actually, all of them to incomprehensible and disjointed. When I woke up I ran with a well-known face looking at me anxiously.

Thea was set on the bed waiting for me to wake up.

“I thought you were not waking up ever!” Her face had a smile, but that did not touch her eyes.

“What are you doing here so early? Did your brother sent you here?” I asked, more thickly than it should.

Thea looked at me sadly. And I immediately felt sorry. Thea was a good person, I should not discount my anger on her.

“Felicity, I know what Oliver did to you was wrong. I have my share of the blame that too.” Her voice was apologetic.

“Thea no, you didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Yes, I did. I should have talked to Ollie, I should have advised him not to go that route.”

“It's not like him will listen to you. Oliver is stubborn.”

“I know that.” She said with a little laugh “But the point is that I was so elated with your presence, so happy to see you two together again that I ignored the reality. Honestly, since you left Starling City I never saw my brother smile or laugh, he lived for the work and he was so sad all the time.” Thea had a lost look, who recalls a past not very happy “Felicity ... You brought my brother back to life”

I cringed at their words. I did not think how much our separation could have affected Oliver. Frankly I thought that soon after I left him, he and Laurel would have stayed together.

That was another thing that was bothering me. Laurel. We had met before that day at Q.C and she had said something like: _I just hope that everything that happened between us in the past, stay in the past. I am very sorry that things have ended the way it ended._

 What does this mean? She had slept with Oliver and regretted that I had catch? Was she apologizing for sleeping with my husband? And the way she was going there in his room with all the freedom calling him Ollie... That took me off! It boggled my mind.

“But… what about Laurel?” I said her name with disgust.

Thea looked surprised with the question, but soon recovered.

“You know, just recently Oliver explained to me exactly what happened between you two, three years ago. He's my brother and I know that my opinion is not impartial.” she said looking at me seriously. “But I know Ollie my whole life, and I remember the time when he dated her, honestly? It was not a big thing. But when he met you something changed inside of him, as if for the first time he was really in love. It was annoying.”  She said with a smile. “What I'm trying to say is the Oliver that I know would never give up for something so good for so less. But the question is…  The Oliver that you know and love, Felicity… Do you really believe that he was capable to do something so terrible to you?

I was speechless before her little speech. And the question that she did in the end.

“You two love each other,  it is simple.” She finished looked proud of herself.

“You think I should talk to him.” I noticed.

“I want you to talk to him. And because of the story that you have lived, you must be a conversation. But I also think you should do this in your time when you're ready.”

I smiled to her. Thea was a lovely person. And she had grown into a mature woman, I was so proud of her. I don’t believe that I lost all her growing and evolution. I don’t believe that I lost so much of my life in Starling City while I was running away from the pain.

I didn’t know what will be of Oliver and me after all these lies, maybe it was all a big frame or maybe it isn’t. The important thing is that I was determined not to run this time. I would go after the truth.

***

**Oliver Queen**

It had been three weeks, one day and twelve hours that Felicity had left the apartment and went to Sara’s place, my life was stuck at that time. I deliberately ignored all calls from work, I disregard important meetings and my mother kept calling me because of it. If it wasn’t Sara to inform me that Felicity was right I'd be freaking out.

Who do I want to trick? I was freaking out anyway.

That second goodbye still hurt me, that disappointment in her face and the sadness in her eyes... Knowing that I was responsible for make her suffer was killing me inside.

I knew Sara was doing her best trying to explain everything to Felicity, but I also knew how much my blonde could be stubborn when she was hurt. That's why I called Thea and I dumped the whole thing from the beginning. My sister was desperate and immediately she went to Sara's place.

And I was here, just waiting. Hoping that Thea will convince Felicity about my innocence or at least to listen to me. I was waiting and trying not to lose hope.

I was stuck in my own lamentations when the doorbell ring and take me out of my trance. I went to the door willing to shoo anyone who was on the other side.

But I stopped when I saw the unexpected visit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, please tell me if you find any mistakes! As I always say: my english is not that good.
> 
> Talk to you soon! bye!


	8. Just hold my hand

 

> **Hold my hand,**
> 
> **I hear ghost calling.**
> 
> **Help me stand,**
> 
> **Even if the sky is falling.**
> 
> **And I want you to know,**
> 
> **I can't do it alone.**
> 
> **Hold my hand, my hand, my hand.**
> 
> **(Hold my hand - The Fray)**
> 
>  

**Oliver Queen**

I looked to the unexpected visit, I reminded me vaguely of him. The younger police expert from Central City, the one who was at the hospital to ask Felicity a few questions about her accident, but when I got there I realized that they were both talking and laughing too friendly for my seek. I remember not liking the approach of the two at all, and I tried to shake him out quickly. What was he doing here knocking on my apartment’s door?

"Mr. Queen? I'm Barry Allen from the Central City Police Department.” He introduced himself “We met at the hospital when I was asking some questions to your wife.” He said holding out his hand and greeting me.

“I remember it.” I said a little harshly. Questions. In my point of view he was flirting with her. Reminding me of it made me shake his hand more strongly than I should do. I smiled in satisfaction as he pulled out his hand and tried to discreetly massage it.

"I need to talk to your wife. It’s urgent. Is she at home?” He asked me. The boy seemed nervous in my presence. I thought that was good.

“Do you really need talk to her? Is it about what?” I inquired him. It wasn’t because Felicity and I were temporarily apart that I was going to let the boy approach her.

"Yes, I really do. It’s a matter of interest to the Central City police." He said, trying his hardest to make his words believable and credible.

"Can you tell me what it is?"  I returned trying to sound intimidating, which apparently worked since I saw him swallow.

"Actually, I can’t, Mr. Queen. I have to discuss this matter personally with Miss Smoak.” He said firmly, looking me into my eyes.” I mean… Miss Smoak-Queen”

I could have pushed him a little harder, but that seemed really serious. What could the police want with Felicity? There was only one way to find out.

"All right, then I'll go with you to where she is." I finally decided, Felicity might even be mortally angry at me right now, but that does not mean I'd let that boy get so close to my wife.

*******

**Felicity Smoak**

I was better after my talk to Thea. That time away from Oliver made possible for me to understand many things and especially to realize that I was being a bit stubborn about everything. Of course, that didn’t change the fact that Oliver had lied to me and somehow taken advantage of my amnesia. I was still hurt. And that wasn’t something it cured overnight, I needed time.

And yes, the whole story with Laurel could be a great frame. And that scared me, because everything that happened, all the pain we've felt since then, it was because of it. And that made me think that if I had only listened to him three years ago, let him at least try to prove his innocence, our lives would be very different now, just if I had trusted him. I failed at this point. And I was determined not to make the same mistake twice.

I will talk to Oliver, eventually. I just wasn’t ready to do that yet. I needed to take control of my own life before we had this decisive conversation. I would like to remember everything that happened. It was awful to have to rely on third-party information and small flashes of memories, it didn’t help me at all.

Thea, Sara and I were in the living room watching TV and waiting for the pizza. In fact they were watching while I pretended do it. Because there were all these things hanging around in my head, there was actually one person taking care of all my thoughts and preventing me from concentrating on the rest around me.

Oliver.

I didn’t want to admit it. But I missed him. I wanted his arms around my body, I wanted to at least I could lean my head on the curve of his neck and inhale that smell so familiar. I missed his warm body hugging mine, I was sure my nightmares would be much less frequent if he were with me on bed.

The doorbell rang and I left my thoughts longing as I returned to focus on the environment around me. Sara got up to answer the door, and I imagined it to be the pizza. I wasn’t very excited about this, since I wasn’t hungry. But when Sara returned it was not cheese, tomato sauce and oregano that I felt.

I stood immediately when I saw him enter the room. I didn’t expect to see him that fast. Seeing the reason for my confusion there in front of me made my heart jump involuntarily. Oliver looked depressed, under his eyes there were strong dark circles that denounced the lack of sleep, his beard was also much larger, it needed to be trimmed. He wasn’t taking care of himself, I realized that it could have a connection with my departure and it made me feel a little guilty.

I sighed, looking away from the person next to him, and I was surprised to recognize the nice guy I talked to at the hospital. Barry Allen.

"Felicity ..." Oliver smiled sadly as he said my name, his voice also contained a different emotion that I could not distinguish accurately. "Detective Allen needs to talk to you.” Oliver said, looking nervous. His incredibly blue eyes studied me. First they were checking to see if I looked okay, and then they searched for understanding and forgiveness in mine. And maybe they have founded it, because his stance immediately became less tense.

"Oh, CSIs aren't actually detectives. We don't even carry guns. Just some plastic baggies.” Barry said, breaking my connection with Oliver.

It was inevitable to laugh at that moment, Barry was funny. He reminded me a little of myself, that habit of talking nonsense when you're nervous. I guess that's why I felt almost immediate a connection with him, not romantically speaking, it was more like an affinity. Something that could it makes a good friendship one day.

Oliver cleared his throat and he gave a cold, intimidating glance at Barry, who immediately took a more serious stance.

"Well, Felicity we finished the investigation in your car... And we found something that wasn’t right.” He began to explain.

I had so much in my head that I didn’t even remember the accident anymore. I thought they had already sent my car to the junkyard.

"I don’t understand why you guys did an investigation in the car if it was just an accident.” I said with a questioning look at him.

“It's a routine procedure. But, Felicity, when we looked at your car we noticed that the brake cable was partially cut off.” I blinked in confusion. “It wasn’t decayed; it was more like someone had used a stylus or something too sharp to make sure it would break soon, which indicates that someone wanted you to have this accident.” Barry said.

The whole room found itself in a deadly silent. I opened my mouth, but I couldn’t speak. Oliver immediately crossed the room and stood beside me, I felt the soft and hesitant touch of his hand on my shoulder trying to comfort me. And I didn’t turn away, I accepted his comfort, because at that moment I needed him more than anything.

"Are you saying someone tried to kill me?" My voice trailed off, and the touch on my shoulder became firmer, Oliver's breathing became altered, leaving in rapid, deep puffs.

Barry just nodded.

"I'm sorry, but I thought you should be informed.” His voice sounded comforting.

“Of course.” I said still a little in shock with that turnaround.

"I know that because of your amnesia, you don’t remember who might have done it. But any piece of distorted memory can help us a lot in the investigation..." I just nodded, I wasn’t really listening to what he was saying. "... Whatever minor memory it seems, I'd like to be informed.”  He demanded, handing me a card with his number.

“Of course.” I confirmed automatically, while looking at the card although it kept my thought away.

“I need to check some information with you, workplace, your routine, who are your co-workers and social friends. If there is someone with whom you had a recently disaffection...”

Considering that I knew nothing of my life in Central City, the questions had to be answered by Oliver and Sara. Oliver stood all the time at my side, holding my hand firmly in his, sometimes I felt his gaze on my face, he was worried, I could see it by his actions and by the way he refused to leave my side. He was worried not just with the situation, but with me. But I wasn’t really present. When did my life turn into a detective novel?

“Thank you for your time.” Barry thanked "I have to go back to Central City now, any news of the investigation, I'll let you know." He said looking into my eyes. "We'll find out who did it. Don’t worry Felicity." I just nodded, I wasn’t so sure. Maybe my mind had some answers about who wanted kill me, but it refused to cooperate.

Crap of amnesia!

Sara followed Barry to the door, and when she returned nobody dared to break that deadly silence.

Oliver stood beside me with his hand on mine, his thumb drawing circles on mine on the inside of my wrist and sending a mixture of sensations to my body. It was comforting me, but I feared to get the wrong idea to him.

"Can we keep the conversation about us on hold?" I whispered to Oliver, taking him completely by surprise when I spoke to him.

I thought he was going to want to argue, but he just agreed. I could not deal with an assassination attempt and with Oliver at the same time. I needed to have my memories first. I needed to remember who was so angry at me to the point of this person had tried to kill me.

"So what do we do now?" Sara asked.

"What about finding the person who Felicity kicked the cat?" Thea said looking at me.

"I can not think of anyone." Shit! I can not remember anyone! Who could hate me so much to want me dead? I checked my thoughts.

I saw an exchange of looks between Sara and Oliver that sounded more like a silent conversation. Oliver looked at Sara who only shook his head. Oh no! They will not start with little secrets right in front of me again! I've had enough of that!

"Can you both please tell me what you're thinking, instead of keeping it just for you two?" I said irritably, getting up and letting go of Oliver's hand.

Sara was embarrassed, but quickly she composed herself.

"There's something I didn’t tell you about Laurel ..." she said slowly watching my reaction.

I tremble. It had to be about Laurel? I was already seeing it wasn’t a good thing. I sat down again, a little further away from Oliver this time, and I waited for Sara to drop the bomb.

"Recently when I was visiting my parents, I discovered that when all that happened, Laurel was doing psychiatric treatment ..." Sara was saying. "When I questioned my parents about it, they just said that it was all over a phase, and she was already healed now.

So she was crazy. What's new?

"Do you think she could have sabotaged my car?" I asked. It was one thing to ruin my marriage, but try to kill me? It’s evil, even for Laurel.

“I honestly don't know, I've been trying to talk to her since I discovered it, but her phone is off. She just disappeared.” Sara explained.

“I saw her.” I commented.

“What? When?” Oliver asked in an apprehensive posture, looking at me in awe.

"That day I went with you to Queen Consolidated.” I answered.

"Did she do something to you. Did she say something to you?" He asked me in that worried tone.

"No, actually she just said she needed to talk to you." I replied, emphasizing "you" and arched my eyebrows.

"Talk to me?! Felicity after everything that happened I never ... I-I avoided her. I don't know what she might want from me.” He looked nervous as he tried to explain himself and with his urgent look on his face, seeking understanding in my eyes.

"She told me she was going to travel and left her new phone number with me, she wanted you to call her." I said, trying to stay neutral and don't express my thoughts.

"Do you still have her phone number?" Sara asked me anxiously.

"Humm ... I think I lost it." I lied, it was better than taking about my little crisis of jealousy.

“This is a real dead end! Laurel can not even have anything to do with this mess!” Sara blurted out.

"After everything she's done with my marriage?! After the mean way she just ruined my life and Felicity's?! You can not be serious Sara! Are you going to defend her right now?” Oliver's voice reflected all the irritation he felt.

"No, I'm not defending her, Oliver. I just think it's stupid just concentrate on her and let another suspect pass.” Sara said excitedly.

Before Oliver could fight back, I cut that argument off.

"You two. Enough." I shouted, taking control of the situation. “I have an idea.”

Everyone immediately turned their eyes to me.

“I'm going to Central City.” I said simply.

The color faded from Oliver's face and he gave me an alarming look filled with fear and pain. I belatedly noticed that he thought I was leaving again, that I was leaving him. And from his look of desperation I could tell he could not take another farewell.

"When I was in our old house, Olive, the memories just came." I explained myself hoping he would understand why I had to leave. "If I go back to Central City, I may remember something that happened there and might it will help.”

"You won’t, Felicity. It's too dangerous. Whoever tried hurt you, he didn’t have succeeded. This person will probably want to terminate the service. You have to stay here, close to me where I can guarantee you'll be safe.” Oliver determined in his authoritarian way.

“I will! And Sara can go with me." I said, Oliver Queen wasn’t the boss of me.

“Me? Actually, I thought it would be better if I tried to find Laurel. She is the main suspect of you and she is my sister..." Sara spoke in a low voice.

“Thea?” I looked at her hopefully.

“I can’t Felicity, I have to help Roy with... Ahhh, a few things." I was disappointed, she even made up a decent excuse.

I narrowed my eyes at them. Treacherous. I know what they were up to.

"So it seems I am your only choice!" Oliver said with a half-satisfied smile on his face. “I'm going with you.”

Me and Oliver inside the same car on a four-hour trip to Central City, this did not look good. Definitely it isn’t good.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> So... what do you think? 
> 
> If you notice some mistakes, please tell me and I'll fix it. ;)
> 
> Bye, bye!


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